The future is my ultimate muse; nothing can inspire me like the promise of tomorrow. Here I am, sitting in a chain coffee shop – I will give you three guesses which, and the first two don’t count – and all I can focus on is what is to come. Sure, a few events of the past few days live in my frontal lobe, but overall, my mind is consumed by what could be, rather than what is. Yes, I might be mulling over the GRE that I just finished or how far I ran today, but I’m not completely committed to this moment. I’m not feeling my fingers move over the keys or enjoying my coffee in the way I could. Anyone who has a conversation with me will understand what I’m implying. Though, through motivation, I have been moved in a way that I have utilized in the past, taking part in JVC has made me analyze my actions, rather than just sinking into the pattern I would normally inhabit.

In JVC, there is a lot of talk about living in the present moment, about utilizing what you have, feeling what you feel right now and not what you hope to feel in the future. “Be present,” they encourage us. “Be intentional.”  L’Arche also pushes this philosophy. We’ve spoken extensively on the idea of attachment, the most obvious of which for me is speculation on the future. How can you truly enjoy the world around you if your mind is two years ahead of you?

I know that you only have the present moment. I recognize this fact; I had it hammered into my head in philosophy classes in college, on Kairos, and even in English class in high school. Somehow, though, it never stuck for me. I often tell myself that I’ll live in the present next week or after I finish grad school applications, but the time to live in the present never seems to come for me. I’m already checked-out, waiting for what comes next. For example, I cannot get my mind away from applications, and I’ve been struggling with work as result. I may be sitting at lunch with the Core Members, but thoughts about next year dominate my mind. Where will I be? What will I be doing? It doesn’t matter right now; I recognize that fact, but I can’t fix it. I’ve never been a “sit and be” sort of person; that reason is precisely why meditation has never worked for me. I’m afraid that I’m wasting time, treating it as a commodity, rather than a gift. I don’t know precisely why this situation exists as it does. I guess I’m a busybody. I never used to be this way, so I’d have to say it’s something I’ve grown into in the past year. I think I’m reacting against how lazy I feel I was in the past.

Will a new goal arise out of my ramblings? I’m not sure. Sometimes, journaling is a way for me to organize what I’m feeling – see especially my last entry – so I can bring them up in community meetings later. Other times, I merely use it to vent ideas I’ve been hiding. Especially given the nature of these perceptions, I would favor the latter in the given situation. I cannot completely rid the idea of the future from my head, particularly with deadlines looming on the horizon, but I want to change the way I function. Unfortunately, I think this situation will be one where I say that I’ll have to wait to focus completely on the present. I want to focus on now, but I’m afraid that I’ll run out of time if I don’t give my applications their due. I think the situation is doomed to remain the same, at least for now.